I am a mother of a son that has been harnessed by the addiction of meth.  In my days of living a passionate life, I also must embrace this fact.

Today, I don’t know where he is.  Yesterday, I didn’t know where he was.  Living in this vacuum of the unknown of addiction is frightening, disturbing, and I feel helpless.

Swirls of thoughts of him being a target of abuse, or worse yet, he abusing others in his desire to get his fix, some times overcomes me in the normal course of my day.  What happens when someone is defeated by a drug so incredibly powerful that he or she loses all sense of reality?

A friend confronted me yesterday based on our discussion of me being in AZ while he “lives” in CA.  She asked me, “Teri, what would you do if he committed suicide?”

My first thought was, how hurtful she is to ask me this question.  Does she not understand the pain, the hurt, the worry, the helplessness I already feel?  For 13 years I have tried to do everything I could to help him.  From holding his shaking limp limbs during a time when he was coming down from the drug, to arranging for him to go to St. Helena’s drug rehabilitation program, to feeding his starving dog, to begging him to stop this outrageous behavior  . . .  I have done all I know in my world to help him.

My second thought after this question was this.  Perhaps he would be relieved of his pain.  Perhaps he would find peace once and for all.

My heart aches with the mere thought of this; but I realize now that I am powerless over whatever he does.

I can no longer provide for him, as anything I might do may prolong his addiction by enabling him. He must now do for himself what he must to survive this battle.

Please God be with him and in this hour provide for his very highest good.

I love you my son.